Tags
backhanded compliments, Gender expectations, Pretty good for a girl, relative age, sexism, well-meaning ignorance, What century were you born in?
For nigh on ten years now I’ve been skiing one day a week with a group called the Prime Timers. Theoretically, everyone is over 50. In reality, most everyone in the group is retired, which may include a few lucky, shrewd quadragenarians. The co-ed group is mostly male, but inclusive in spirit. I’ve been impressed by the ski level of most of these fine fellows. I’ve skied with nonegenarians who, while scaling back the difficulty of the terrain they seek out, are impressive skiers and role models for the rest of us. Of course, clad in ski gear, it is nearly impossible to determine someone’s age, which is not a particular important factor here. Many of these skiers are unbelievable fast and accomplished. We are all happy to be upright and capable of bending over to pick up a dropped ski pole or flask.

My group last week was of mixed ability. At least two of the gentleman were very good, accomplished, and fast skiers. Another was fast, but not elegant. Yet another was slow, inelegant, and filled with physical limitations: bad knee, quivering this, gasping that. In chairlift conversation this fellow, I’ll call him Mr. B. said, “You ski pretty good for a girl.” I bit my tongue and thanked him. Then he abruptly commented on the amazing strength and physicality of “women these days.” He blathered on about watching the young ladies at the gym doing burpees.
“You know what a burpee is?” he asked. I nodded. He continued to describe, in amazement, some of the burpee variations for which he had no name: jack burpees, burpee sit-throughs, mountain climber burpees, knee tuck burpees. “I just can’t believe what these women can do. I couldn’t do any of that! Women never used to be able to do that. When did women get so strong?”
The guy was serious. I was dumbfounded. I pointed out that women fight wars, battle fires, care and give birth to babies while working full time and caring for a household . . . Saved from escalation by the chairlift depositing us at the top of the mountain.
The next run was an easy, end-of-day pitch. I held back for the fellows to dive off ahead of me. I should have waited for Mr. B. to get a longer headstart. Foolishly I passed him and pulled up beside the other three who had congregated on the side of the run to regroup before heading to the bar. We four were standing there like dominoes, chatting when I looked up to see Mr. B. bearing down on us and at the last minute I realized he was going to–yes! plow right into us! He hit me first; the guy just beside me helped prop me up but slid into the guy below him, etc till all four of us were reestablishing equilibrium. Mr. B. had fallen completely and could barely get up.
I bit my tongue again and thought, “You ski like an untouched boy.”

A few years ago, a 300-pound man, benefitting from my willingness to drive three volunteers across a notoriously bad road to the trailhead where we’d spend the next week repairing wilderness trails, interrupted his copious warnings about how bad the road was about to get by saying, “You drive pretty good for a girl.” I bit my tongue and looked in the review mirror to see the other guy’s eyeballs nearly pop out of his head. That became our private joke for the week–maybe for all time.

It’s a damn good thing I’m no longer a girl. The younger Linda would have bit something besides her tongue. But in retrospect, how long has it been since anyone has called me a girl?
PS: As last-century as Mr. B. is, I’m confident that he will not see this post and be adversley affected by it.
I have been known to retort: “You speak quite well. . . for man”. The gentleman in question realized what he had done and apologized. But it did become our joke.
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That is such an elevated response, Pam. Just like you. 😃
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Are you sure that was a compliment? I must’ve missed it. Has your tongue healed up yet? Seems like an awful lot of biting. I’m quite familiar with microaggression; however, there didn’t seem to be much micro about any of these comments.
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I bet you are well accustomed to microaggression!
In all honesty, I believe this “ol fart” actually thought he was paying me a compliment. He is obviously old-school, unenlightened, and perhaps incapable of learning new thought patterns. (I pity is wife and daughters, if he has them. Actually, they should be held accountable for not educating him.)
Having spent my life working in what began as a male dominated business, I’m well aware of what older men have been taught about women/”ladies” and our capabilities/proper place in the social fabric. I rather enjoyed proving them wrong as a young woman, and now there are probably more women working in the field than men. But old habits, old thought patterns die hard.
Enlightenment takes a willingness to learn, to open the mind, and then to follow up with careful self-monitoring. And enlightenment is an ongoing process. I am still learning how what I think and what I say and how I say it may cut someone without me even realizing it. I am forever second guessing what I say and how I pay someone a compliment.
My tongue is calloused by now.
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You would not want to ski with me. You would have a bloody tongue.
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Keith, I don’t believe that. I think you are a very enlightened human being and that you are a better feminist than I am. (I say that as a compliment. It takes a confident and evolved man to be a feminist.) And also, if you slipped up, I think I know you well enough that I could casually question your word choice. And I hope you would feel the same way about me if I said something awkward.
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Howdy. Regarding the repairing of wilderness trails: Which organization were you working for? Take care. Neil S.
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Hi Neil, thanks for asking! I volunteer mainly with Idaho Trails Association, however there are also several Boise-based conservation groups that also do local trail maintenance work. I’ve written about my adventures a couple of times on this blog: https://wordpress.com/post/rangewriter.wordpress.com/6878 ; https://wordpress.com/post/rangewriter.wordpress.com/7070 ; https://wordpress.com/post/rangewriter.wordpress.com/9488
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We “girls” are no longer deferential ladies.
The words sting, but the demented responses are on the uptick…
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I’m glad I’m of an age that I can laugh—as I speed past the unenlightened.
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Yikes! I’m glad you responded as you did but there is probably no hope for someone like that.
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That’s what I was thinking, Janis. I think he’s married. I don’t know how his wife puts up with him or why she hasn’t updated his word choices. He must not have any daughters or grand daughters, and I can’t imagine him in a work environment!
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Le sigh … I’ve managed to live my life for a good many decades now without encountering too many blokes like that. May it continue to be so.
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I think there are fewer of them. I think that may be why when I encounter one now, I am so shocked.
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Ha! This post will probably make a lot of women smile! A few days ago when I was driving, I told someone that a now-dead friend once stated to me, “Lisa, you drive like a man!” – as a compliment. She was a white-knuckled driver who was scared to parallel park.
“Not bad for a girl,” was a great line on page two (I think) in Greg Iles’ book, Dead Sleep. https://books.google.com.ec/books?id=_BkG2qSIcLMC&pg=PT271&lpg=PT271&dq=dead+sleep,+greg+iles+%22not+bad+for+a+girl.%22&source=bl&ots=vkFYZUYWfh&sig=ACfU3U1gKPdY7jlFqe1p8UfvpfwiV3nAhg&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjGya3sxPv1AhWWTjABHenHBAQQ6AF6BAgVEAM#v=onepage&q=dead%20sleep%2C%20greg%20iles%20%22not%20bad%20for%20a%20girl.%22&f=false
I’m glad that no one got hurt in that bowling alley strike that he made.
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Yes, we were lucky. I guess it’s good that he doesn’t ski fast. Funny think I had to pull another gentleman out of the trees the week before. I need to move back into the group who ski at the speed of light. They seem more enlightened.
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Geesh…
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Ya, that’s still out there. Hard to believe.
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It’s a red neck type comment. A way for him to keep himself above you as a man.
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Well, he sure couldn’t keep ahead of me. 🤣
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You are such a better “bite tonguer” than I could ever dream to be!
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It comes from age and a certain understanding that comes from working with men all my life.
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