Tags
bisexual, CIS gender, etiquette, gay, gender identity, gender pronouns, homosexual, lesbian, non-binary, Queer, transgender
Younger generations stretch the accepted notions and traditions of their elders. As we’re all too aware, the pace of the stretch escalates exponentially as time and history move forward. My generation tested our parents’ sexual mores. The availability of birth control made room for the sexual revolution and opened the gates of lust, experimentation, and the me generation. Multiple pre-marriage sexual encounters became an accepted norm. Boldly visible homosexuality muted its shock value. The Stonewall riots scraped the bandages off homo- and bi-sexual lifestyles. The tag queer morphed into gay for men and lesbian for women.
Now we navigate an alphabet soup of gender distinctions—gender being a distinct territory, quite foreign to me. My most current vocabulary includes LGBTQ+, which supposedly encompasses lesbian women, gay men, bisexuals, transsexuals, queer, cisgender and nonbinary individuals. It’s no wonder universities offer course study in gender studies. I could benefit from a class that explains the various forms of gender identity, terminology, labels, and fluidity because I admit to often being perplexed by some new gender-specific term.
The newest minefield is gender pronouns. I know you’ve seen them. You may be woke enough to use them. I’m struggling. Young professionals often use them, as do some academicians and clergy. I wonder, Is it time for me to do so? But then I argue with myself. I’ve never felt comfortable with labels. If not forced to express my marital title on a form, I don’t use Mr/Mrs/Ms. I am Linda. It doesn’t matter to me what gender someone presumes I identify with. Perhaps that is because my highly traditional name matches my oh-so-traditional gender identity. But if gender is indeed fluid, why does it matter if I’m a he or a she or a their? However, by not adding my gender pronouns am I failing in some way to support my gender fluid friends or acquaintances? I’m so confused by this issue. A lot has happened in a short time on the gender frontier
Grammar-wise, this whole endeavor gets complicated, as the chart below demonstrates.
So, where do you stand on using gender pronouns? What do you think is the most elegant and thoughtful way to navigate gender etiquette in the moment? Oh, by the way, happy Pride Month.
Rangewriter 
Our kids have taught us a lot with their friends on this subject.
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That’s what kids are good for! That and tech solving.
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Personally, I view all people by how they treat or interact with me. It doesn’t matter in the least how “others” describe their fellow human beings. Bottom line: follow your heart.
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Good perspective. In this day of hyper-sensitivity and gender fluidity, I’m wishing I understood just a little more about the phycological aspect of matching gender identities and pronouns. I want to be kind and supportive…but I honestly don’t know how to be.
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I have friends who are non-binary and transgender and get the old eyeball roll when I forget and say “she” rather than “they”. Now I know, according to other’s definitions, I am cis gender female with pronouns ‘she” and “her” but recognize my feminine and masculine side, so not “totally” anything, but do not want to have to fit into another box that others have assigned me, nor wish to be pushed or manipulated to explore other avenues. I try to respect other people’s preferences but frankly, sometimes all these definitions are a pain in the ass and I wonder if people will regret all this labelling in a few year’s time. I watched a program last night on different sexual orientations -what a minefield that is. I guess we all have the choice to change our mind. I like what Karen said, i.e. “follow your heart” and would add “and respect others’ hearts as well.”
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Oh Jane, you are lucky to have tutors. My friend’s grandchild has transitioned. I know how hard it was for her to use the proper pronouns, but after several years she seems to have it down. It may help that the child also changed it’s name. I can’t imagine how difficult all of that must be for the parents, sibs, cousins, and whatnot.
Like you, I’ve pondered the long-term implications of all this fluidity, in language as well as in deed. And, like you, I’m not fond of labels in the first place. Which I guess sort of speaks to the “fluidity” aspect? So do I have it correct that “they, theirs” are the proper pronouns for the gender neutral?
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Gender neutral would mean, I think, that a person identifies with neither sex, and to my understanding, “they” would identify with both genders. My guess, I don’t know.
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Oh my gosh. That’s a whole other layer of complexity. This is beginning to feel like trying to understand integers when you’re mathlexic. 🥹
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I share your confusion, Linda…
I have one trans friend, who kindly corrects me when I use the traditional pronouns.
While it is a fluid time, I feel very old.
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I always maintained than when people stop adapting to changing times, they are aging. Or old. 😫 The whole gender thing is exhausting. I really don’t give a hoot what gender people are or prefer to express. But the terminology morphs so quickly and the labels take on such oversized social importance, I have trouble with THAT. I’ve got to confess that I find nothing engaging about the new popular music, fashions, language trends. I’m not of the tik tok gen, nor do I have any desire to be. Like you, I feel old. Which given the state of the world, is actually not a bad thing.
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I raise my brows and confess that collective nouns – singular or plural – still challenge my word skills, so she/her/herself or whatever —- oh, i get a bit dizzy. Perhaps I would find an artful option – select a word like ‘people’ – we’re all ‘people’ or humans… however, just like the words ‘black,’ ‘colored,’ ‘negro,’ sometimes people try to select what they think is the most sensitive and end up offending someone. So easy to shrug and say that we hoped to be the most sensitive, but for one on the other end might have tolerated a lot of pain. Everyone ends up walking on eggshells – worried they’ll say something that offends….
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This is so true, Lisa. I dislike walking on eggshells. Yet I want to respect the often painful journey someone may have had to get where they are, but the language issue is getting out of hand.
It is interesting that during a Red/Blue workshop that I attended last week, one of the issues that we determined was a dividing factor was language–how each side articulates their view of the world they want to live in. As we picked that apart, it became apparent that politically correct language has done much to drive a wedge between us. The Reds, rightfully I think, point out that politically correct terminology is like a bottomless pit. Where does it end? How delicate can we possibly get and the more restricted we feel about how we say something, the less inclined we will be to even try to communicate across the line.
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this red-blue option is a very healthy way to move forward. if there were one here in this province, i’d be attending. thank you for keeping me updated! i have been off the internet this week- helping the owner of the property where i lived for two years.. he is stuck in the andes where the protests continue…. it ain’t purdy. the entire planet seems to be showing signs of distress – political or environmental or social.. maybe it’s about to be a ‘restart’ – reboot the planet?
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I’ve really been wondering if the planet isn’t just determined to shrug us of and do her own little reboot. The blue dot would get along fine w/o humanity mucking it up.
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si.. i hope that she is kind to those of us who have been sensitive to her needs!
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I understand your concern, but I smirk, because I suspect we’re both almost of an age, that we will be out of the picture before the final cataclysms occur. In any case, I’ve had a marvelous run. I’ve seen beauty and experienced great joy. If I’m here to do so, I will celebrate at Mother Earth’s victory. Of course, if that victory takes the form of some a-hole male(s) usurping my existence, I’ll be pissed. Still, if I know Mama will reap the reward, I’ll go grinning to my earthly grave. Sorry if that sounds dark. In my own twisted mind, it’s optimistic. 🙄
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I guess I just don’t think about this at all. I don’t care what anybody is or identifies with, and it would be a trial to try to remember who is connected with what pronoun. Given how hard it is just to remember everybody’s name, I would feel totally comfortable explaining to someone who complained of my pronoun error that I grant them their pronoun but please don’t expect me to remember it at all times in every conversation.
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Oh boy, you’re right. I’m namenesiac anyway. And to add individual pronouns too? Maybe that has something to do with some of the totally gender neutral names some people adopt. If you can’t figure out M/F, then you’re kind of forced to go neutral. I guess.
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I can identify with this at some level. I’ve called colored, Black, African American and of course, something far worse. I think folks should be honored with being called/ identified with whatever they wish. I prefer we all be called human; however, tell me your pronoun and I’ll do my best. Allowing one that amount of comfort is the least I can offer.
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I like your perspective. And yes, you have lived it. And I struggle nearly as much with racial identifiers. I remember struggling when the approved form went from Colored to Black. I sort of thought I understood what lay beneath that change, but I wasn’t really sure. Then Black to African American, I get that. But now there is the “Black & Brown” category which frankly leaves me feeling uncomfortable for some reason. Native Indians in Canada I believe prefer to be Indigenous, but I think American Indians do not like that moniker for some reason. Then there are the wide varieties of people from various Asian regions. They understandably don’t like being tossed into one monolith of a category. But where does all this end? And does it actually help us live together better?
America is known for being a melting pot. While holding onto ethnicity and family history is important, I think our greatest strength comes from how we blend together.
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At 82 and born a male, I shudder to think I could easily have ended up being introduced as ‘my wife Gerard’ . I speak several languages but alas left it a bit late to learn this new language of indefinite nouns, pro and after nouns and this uncertainty in between genders.
Gerard.
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You always bring just a note of humor to ticklish topics. I love that. I completely understand feeling beyond adapting to new language pronouns. I think most commenters on this post share that with you. I must say, the folks who’ve spoken up have offered up intriguing ideas and perspectives. (I still don’t know what I’m talking about, though.)
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I’m confused too and the chart makes it even more confusing!!! I do the same and avoid Mrs. or Ms. and just go by Denise. I have no need for anyone attaching a pronoun to me and have no need to do so to others! My mother thinks I should be Mrs. Brent Bush! I never do that to anyone … not even to her. I never liked the term ‘maiden name’ and used to tell people my ‘unmarried name’. My last name used to be Sandy. When I married I couldn’t very well go by Denise Sandy-Bush now could I? Everyone gets a chuckle out of that! I enjoyed your post and pointing out how confusing it all is!
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Well, Ms. Sandy-Bush, look at all the laughs, snorts, and giggles you stifled by choosing the more staid approach. 🤣 It is all just rather overwhelming. I guess I’d prefer to be overwhelmed by pronoun choices than by having to figure out some sort of between-the-cracks gender issue. Oops. That wasn’t meant as a pun.
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I’ve given up on pronoun number to use they/their/them to refer to a single person (I hope person is still correct–or does that discriminate against nonhuman entities?).
I’m old enough to remember when “te” was proposed as a non-gender-specific pronoun in the 80s.
But the newer invented pronouns are a step too far.
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I’d forgotten about te. I think something like that that would be gender neutral would be a far better solution. I’m with you. The they, their, them, just scrambles my grammar brain when I see it in text. I do think I understand the need/desire for some specific sort of gender neutral identifier, but what’s happening now seems to lack imagination and/or finesse.
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It’s complicated. And it will be even more complicated…can we do anything about? I guess no. Only smile and try to go on 🙂
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Yes, fumble our way forward.
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Linda, my wife and I saw a movie about a woman who went out to Wyoming with her daughter the early part of last century to be a ranch cook and gardener. She homesteaded while there and apparently the place is a museum to her grit. It reminded me of your mother’s determination. Keith
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That sounds like a great movie. Do you recall the name of it? Thanks for thinking of me. I just had a lovely visit with one of mom’s friends whom I haven’t seen since, gee we couldn’t figure out when, but probably before I was 14. She is 92 and sharp as a tack. The two women were polar opposites but had great mutual respect for each other.
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Linda, that is cool. I love the mutual respect. The movie is called “Heartland” and I wrote about it in my “Summer movies” post yesterday. Keith
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Thanks Keith, I think I’ve strolled past that title. Next time I’ll have to click on it!
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