“Democracy calls us to have uncomfortable conversations. It asks us to listen to each other even when we would rather be listening to ourselves—or to people enough like us that we might as well be listening to ourselves. It is easier and more comfortable for us to live in perpetual high dudgeon inside our echo chambers than it is to have a meaningful conversation with people who disagree with us.” Michael Austin
Dinnertime during my early childhood years was family time. We were a small family, just three of us, but every night we gathered round the table for dinner and conversation. This was a common family routine until the 1970s when women entered the workforce in droves and family lives grew exponentially complicated and rigorously scheduled.
What did we talk about as we partook of the meals mother prepared? Honestly, I don’t remember. My sister was so much older and more mature than I was that the bulk of conversations were adult-oriented between her and our mother. She was bright, well-read, and academically and intellectually advanced, so politics and philosophy were standard fare. I don’t remember being asked my opinion of the topics they discussed, but if I were to be anything more than a fly on the wall, I had to learn to be assertive. I became adept at firing off some idea, opinion, or response and then having to defend it. Sometimes I didn’t even believe what I spouted off, I was merely acting as devil’s advocate to add complication to the dialogue. Discussions weren’t gentle probes or affirmations. They were debate, often flaring into verbal battle. There wasn’t time to listen deeply to what the other person said; the response needed to be half formulated by the time the other person took a breath. There was no time to consider linguistic nuances or how a response might make the other person feel. Our words weren’t chess pieces, they were pickleball shots. And our feelings were not considerations.
After my sister moved on, the discussions continued between Mother and me. They were a little less combative, but could still flare into heated debates at any time. Later when our family expanded to include my step father and his daughter, Mom and I often shocked them with our dinnertime repartee.
Now, as I approach my seventh decade, I’m trying to adapt my conversational skills. I’m trying to slow down, to listen for understanding, to be curious before spouting my opinion, to acknowledge what I’ve heard and make sure I properly understand what the other person has said. It’s not easy. Habits are hard to break and social media in particular seems to prime the pump for the quick comeback. We’ve come to a point in the history of this nation where quick answers become fighting words. Discussions are often excuses to amplify our entrenched opinions. We solve no problems when we can’t hear each other.
“The fact is, people seldom truly speak with or listen to one another; more often than they care to admit, they deliver soliloquies, with each individual using another remark merely as a launching pad for his or her own performance.” Yi-Fu Tuan
Quotations from The Sun; Sunbeams. April 2022
Rangewriter 
I like what you write about the importance of listening, Linda.
I very much want to have good discussions with one or more people.
LikeLike
Thanks Auntyuta. I too, enjoy deep and stimulating conversations.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Has this phenomenon become worse during the pandemic/lockdown, with Zoom et al instead of “live” meetings?
LikeLike
Catherine, that’s a good question. I’m sure the pandemic didn’t help, especially with all the politicized arguing about masks, vaccines, etc.
However, I think in America this has been brewing for a long time. Perhaps back into the 80s, at least the 90s. It’s been greatly exacerbated by the former president and his entourage of shouters, rabble rousers, and bullies.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Linda, great post. We had many of those discussions as well. As a parent, the key is to let the kids talk and listen. The temptation is to jump in to soon. The main key is to make sure everyone is civil in the discussion. Keith
LikeLiked by 1 person
Civility is another lost art, Keith. At least in some populations.
LikeLike
Listening with resolve to promote common goal solutions. Seems we’ve lost the touch. Better get it back before irreparable frustration becomes the norm. We’re not there yet but enough people seem to care. We’ll get back on track!
LikeLike
There’s a small group of people working at it. Or maybe it’s a large, but quieter group than those who get all the media attention.
LikeLike
“We solve no problems when we can’t hear each other.” (This last sentence in your piece sums up the ailment that confounds us all.) At almost 72, I’m finally begining to listen to my kids (43, 34, and 30.) I was haing a converstion with my son one day; he’s the 30-year-old, and I experienced and epiphany: “You may not agree with him, but you need to listen. His words have meaning; they can help you understand what his issues are.” We (both sides) can’t begin to move toward the middle until we understand how the other person is trying to get thier, same as we are. The middel is that hallowed ground where we can sit on the front porch, have a drink and realize that other person is more like me than different.
LikeLike
You frame it perfectly! I think you would enjoy Braver Angels discussions. You might see what’s going on with them in your area. They really practice this listening to understand so we can sit together and solve problems. 🧡
LikeLike
Oh, I agree with that quote at the end! I find that when I listen to someone who has an opposite viewpoint, I can understand them better and find some common ground. It works both ways. If it is just a monologue with someone who wants only to get their opinions across, or win their argument, nothing is gained.
LikeLike
Indeed!
LikeLike
Yep, monolog-ing at each other never works out, for anyone.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wonderful linguistic play!
LikeLike
I know talking to a patient is a lot different than talking to a person with a different viewpoint on a debatable subject, but I learned to put myself in patients’ shoes and rephrase their goals and ask, “If I hear you right, then you would like to see ….” , that way they knew I was actively listening. I think one of the things we have lost in our current culture is showing respect toward each other, and having tolerance for different viewpoints, and honoring those different opinions. Finally at age 61, I am making a habit of stopping my thoughts when some one is talking and really listen to them and say, “I can see why you say that.”
LikeLike
I know talking to a patient is a lot different than talking to a person with a different viewpoint on a debatable subject, but I learned to put myself in patients’ shoes and rephrase their goals and ask, “If I hear you right, then you would like to see ….” , that way they knew I was actively listening. I think one of the things we have lost in our current culture is showing respect toward each other, and having tolerance for different viewpoints, and honoring those different opinions. Finally at age 61, I am making a habit of stopping my thoughts when some one is talking and really listen to them and say, “I can see why you say that.”
LikeLike
I know talking to a patient is a lot different than talking to a person with a different viewpoint on a debatable subject, but I learned to put myself in patients’ shoes and rephrase their goals and ask, “If I hear you right, then you would like to see ….” , that way they knew I was actively listening. It means showing respect toward each other, and having tolerance for different viewpoints, and honoring those different opinions. Finally at age 61, I am making a habit of stopping my thoughts when some one is talking and really listen to them and say, “I can see why you say that.”
LikeLike
Sue, I don’t think that talking to a patient is that much different than debating someone with a different opinion. Not at all. As a matter of fact, what you describe is exactly what Braver Angels teaches us to do. The first step is to acknowledge what a person has said and make sure that you understand what they mean by rephrasing it. This also forces us to slow down and listen carefully, instead of silently forming our rebuttal while the other person talks. It shouldn’t be so hard, but I find it very challenging.
LikeLike
I don’t know if anyone else has ever had this experience–I think it was kind of off the wall– but if you have, feel free to join my club. When I was somewhere around 10 years old, I would sit on the front porch steps while my grandfather, father, and his brother carried on an elongated conversation. I wasn’t particularly interested in the topics they discussed, but I was interested in how something in one topic would lead to a discussion of another topic. This was a consistent pattern, almost like a road map which takes you one way then veers off in another, still connected but different.
I don’t seem to encounter conversations like that much anymore. People want to beat one topic to death before attacking another one. And I’m STILL not much of a conversationalist. At least I don’t think so. Someone will probably pop up and prove me wrong
LikeLike
That is an interesting observation, Alli. I can’t say that I was astute enough to experience that realization, not as a
child, and perhaps not as an adult either. I tend to get frustrated wh;en discussions slide off topic.
However, I have been involved in great conversations that meandered around and as the talk draws to a close, we look at each other perplexed and ask, “How’d we get here, anyway?” Now those are fun. But I suppose those aren’t debate sort of discussion, more just sharing experiences. If that makes any sense.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sure the conversations I was listening too were mostly sharing experiences too. I bet if I had asked, none of the participants could have recounted how they “got here” either!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Seems to me people like to debate now more than ever. And it doesn’t always have to be through speech. I find that on social media people will often twist a comment, not reading it fully just so they can disagree.
LikeLike
Or they get so busy framing a reply that they fail to read the entire comment or article it refers to. And I confess, I’ve been busted a few times. Gotta rein myself in.
LikeLike
Pingback: Less Is More: The Bullshitity of Small Talk. - Littermature